Sleepless in... Oxford

In the past 2 weeks, I have slept through the night once.

Hate is a strong word, and I barely ever (if at all) use it. But, I am starting to hate insomnia.

Five years ago I never would have imagined that I would be doing what I'm doing now. I (rather idealistically) dreamt of pursuing a passion of mine that I've mentioned on here before. 

Music.

 I didn't really tell many people, but if I could have done anything, I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. 

My love of music, evident in me joining pretty much every band/choir at school, combined with a heart for writing made me consider giving this dream a real shot. But, despite that dream, I never followed it.

I knew I wasn't the best musician by far and that the music industry is hard. Expectations of me and what my life was to be like, were different. I was and am encouraged to use the different talents and strengths that I have. In the real world you have to make a living. And I was definitely not the next Adele much as she is wonderful- I absolutely love her in this video: 

So my ambitions changed course, I decided on geography, bizarre switch I know. And before you say it, I haven't touched a colouring pencil ... since A level*. 

My dreams are different now, I want to use the strengths and talents that I have to work for cases of injustice. I would love to get married, travel and hopefully have children one day. I still don't know the ins and outs of what is to come. (eep)

Our dreams change, and we have to try and use our gifts and passions in different ways. 

I say let's not get so cynical and so 'real' such that we stop having ideals. Things may not always turn out the way we thought, but when they don't we need to get back up, have a little laugh at ourselves/the whole situation, and try again.

I read this article the other day http://www2.amnesty.org.uk/blogs/press-release-me-let-me-go/malala-student-becomes-teacher. 

I believe that every young girl should have the opportunity (and protected right) of an education. That a woman's worth is based on more than that of her body image, or gendered identity. That is not to say that women are better than men or the same. 

We are different, but equal.

For now, my dreams for women's rights to be upheld globally and for equal opportunity are big. They play alot on my mind. I lose sleep (literally) over it.  

How can I go about being a woman with integrity, who advocates and campaigns for other people's dreams and ambitions? What qualifies me to do that? Am I doing the right thing?

For now, I hope that this blog and the marathon running help in this way. I hope it maybe nudges you readers to consider what your hopes and passions are, and encourages you to dream big. But also, that it makes you consider other people whose ambitions are marginalised and remain unknown, or seem impossible.

As I was walking through Oxford yesterday, I saw the absolute BEST thing. An old man and an old woman (who I assume were married) were both on mobility scooters, and racing down the middle of the street/road. It was incredibly sweet and hilarious! In the end, the woman won because (although unknown to her) the man slowed down at the end to let her win. 

Isn't life just brilliant? 

This week I'd gotten into a 'funk' where I was so tired and feeling exhausted, wanting to curl up into a ball at home and just do nothing for a whole day. But, yesterday, I just had to laugh. Dust myself off, stop pitying myself and get back into enjoying and dreaming about life. 

Give me 60 years and I promise to be someone who races down the streets on my lime green mobility scooter, dodging bicycles and laughing all the way. 

Let's go crazy, let's dream big.

Running Update:

• Zara and I have been gyming and running various distances this week which has been great. 
• Unfortunately, in the past couple of days I have developed tendonitis in my calves (which is something I've had before) which means running has turned quite painful, so rubbing excessive amounts of tiger balm into my legs has commenced. 
• My room also now smells of an apothecary. Lovely.
• Running a half marathon at Silverstone on 3rd March, so hopefully all is healed(ish) by then!!!

EXCITING NEWS:

My College JCR has kindly voted to give me £100 towards running the marathon, thank you to everyone who came and voted for the motion to be passed through. I am so overjoyed, you are wonderful!

As always, thank you for your donations, with the JCR money now only about £600 to go- yay!! My Justgiving Page

*I had to use colours to draw the demographic transition model, which I ended up getting wrong (oh the shame).

Ten things I'm thankful for on Valentines Day

I know, I know. Single girl does a blogpost on Valentines Day, how predictable.

But, this is NOT a pity me I'm single so I'm going to stick it to 'the people' post. Rather, I have a small confession to make...

I LOVE Valentines day. There I said it.

And in the style of what my friend India does on her blogs (which are worth a read, she is hilarious and brilliant) I want to say thank you for ten things this Valentines Day.

1. Waking up to finding cute cupcakes for all the girls in our flat and getting chocolate in my pidge from friends who are too darn sweet.

2. Love hearts. My favourites (from the pack Zara gave me) being 'Funny Face' and 'Chase me.' 

3. My tutor - giving up marking for Lent. Does this mean I can stop writing the essays?... I'm gonna say yes. Thanks Lozza. Winning!!!

4. Chasing Zero- what a great charity to be involved with. Let's share the love on Valentine's day 

5. Hilarious and cute proposal videos that me and my friend Susie have been sending each other. (This includes Promposals.)

6. Lissie. She just did a cover of Fleetwood Mac's Go your own way. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OltcXMV-9Vk). 

-Quite 'breathy' towards the end, but still phoa!

7. Top Gun. I watched it for the first time last night. Big fan. Although, is it just me or is everyone really sweaty alot of the time?!

8. Flowers. Today I bought some funky tulips. They're my favourite (after Calla Lilies).

9. Skyping my Nana and Grandad. They never fail to make me laugh and are almost too cool to be grandparents. Case in point: Grandad used to fly planes and built one too, my Nana is part of the W.I. and can cook a mean Bolognaise, and they both have smartphones and facebook.

10. LENT. My Mum sent me a book in the post which focuses on what Lent is all about using the film Chocolat for analogies. i.e. This lent, instead of giving up chocolate I am watching it, reading about it and eating it. Sweet :)

So, yay for Valentines day! Whether you're with someone or not, I hope you spend today/this evening, celebrating love. 

And I know you shouldn't need a certain day to tell people you love them, and it's all commercialised yadda yadda yadda.... but it's here, it's a bit of fun, let your hair down and enjoy it! 

Lots of LOVE xxx

P.s. Went for a 12 mile run on Tuesday, and a 4 mile one today- we are on track. Yay!

As ever, thank you for all your donations:my Justgiving page

Anything could happen.

I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be an inventor. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be a fairy princess.

These were all the ideas I have had when I’ve thought about the future throughout my life, I’l let you guess which one dominated when I was this age:

We live a lot of our lives with uncertainty don’t we? Is this milk really gone off or can I risk it on my bowl of coco pops? What dissertation should I do? What will I be doing in 5 years time?etc.etc.

 Yikes, there is so much we do not know.

 This weekend, I headed home for my wonderful friend India’s birthday partay. It was great, and it was so lovely to hang out with 5 of my closest friends:

(It took 60 attempts, which is outrageous, to actually take a decent picture. We got carried away attempting to pull 'blue steel' poses...those photos are safely hidden)

However, the weekend was not without sadness. Nina (Cookie/Ninz) is heading to Australia tomorrow for 6 months!! Whilst I am so excited for her, I am sad that she is leaving*. 

Her trip to Sydney is exciting and full of promise, but it is also a trip where again there is uncertainty, future choices and decisions will have to be made when she gets there and as she continues her stay.

 I guess that’s something I’ve been thinking about as I’ve prepared to say goodbye.Uncertainty about the future (and the present) is scary. It leaves us in a place of insecurity, of questions without answers.

I contemplated whether or not to share this, but I've decided it is important for me to acknowledge out loud (or on the internet) and to process and challenge myself. So pardon my selfish motive.

Prepare yourself readers, it’s about to get personal.

I am happy with my life, and have so much joy in where I'm at. However, I am still uncertain about the future and sometimes this weirds me out. Particularly because...  

I have never been in a relationship.** 

And yes I do desire one. 

And yes I do like someone. (Believe me it came out of the blue for me too)

But no, I have no idea what he thinks - classic. 

So there you have it. And by the way, sometimes the uncertainty just sucks.

But (here comes the optimism), just as much as that uncertainty is scary and at times just plain annoying, I am learning that it can be a good thing. In some respects doesn't it just make 'the chase' or in general, life, that little bit more interesting? 

For the people that I've spoke to about this kind of thing (again largely girls as apparently I'm a babe magnet...), my challenge to you and to me is to enjoy the 'waiting period.' As part of my faith I believe that God knows the desires of my heart, loves me and has exciting, good plans for me. It is OK to like people. It is FINE if other people know that you like them (why are we so scared of that?!).

So I guess my challenge to myself and anyone else in similar scenarios is the following:

•  Do not let the things that happen define you. Stay your own person, live and laugh (often).
•  Know that men/women are people first, and men/women second. Get to know people without projecting a gender-related personality onto them. i.e. not all women love babies, I am personally scared of holding babies
• Chill your beans. Life is about more than whether he/she likes you. Find someone who makes you laugh and hang out with them. See where things go naturally. 

...If all else fails, maybe consider investing in this: 

As Avril Lavigne so rightly put it: ' Who knows what could happen? just do what you do, just keep on laughing' 

Oh, and go watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower, it's my new favourite.

[Running update:

• Zara and I are on a detox for the next 3 weeks. It is going to be brutal, but after the excesses of midway and too much carrot cake, it's necessary.
• Running 12 miles on Tuesday afternoon. Hoping it doesn't rain/snow!
• Gym sessions and more wretched blogilates with Cassie. Oy Vey.
• Justgiving page: www.justgiving.com/jennygwyther]

*If you don’t know Nina, I am sorry. You are missing out. She is amazing.

**Although technically I'm still engaged to my next door neighbour (huh?!) who gave me a plastic engagement ring in nursery school.... so if all else fails, I'll call him up and see if he remembers his commitment (awkward when he explains he doesn't and has a girlfriend, gutted).

'I like you, very much. Just as you are.'

I think in another world I would have been cool.

I would have been a real gangster/rapper with a 'so-solid' crew following me around watching my every move. I would be able to rock awesome clothes because I would be ahead of every trend and people would watch on in awe shouting 'hollaaa' or 'that gurrl be trippin' as I roamed the streets of Oxford in my Nike high tops.

Alas, that is not quite how I turned out. The fact that I just used the word 'Alas' is probably case in point that I am not particularly "fly." I was a bookworm, I watched Lord of the Rings (a bit too much) and managed to get my school choir to sing Avril Lavigne. I enjoyed studying (and still do). Much as I try not to be, I remain much more of a granny than a hipster.

Still, this is not meant to be a 'woe is me' post- although just so you know, I am pretending you're all gasping and saying reassuring words of 'Oh, but Jenny you are so cool...' (humour me)- rather, it's about a bit of a 'phoa! yay!' realisation I have had over the weekend.

Saturday started off well- my library fine got waived even though I was late by 15 minutes (note to all undergrads, Sue the librarian is a very nice lady, or at least easily sweetalked without the need to offer her chocolate, boom). The victory dance outside the RSL was followed by a speedy walk to G and Ds for a brilliant birthday breakfast for Zoe, fun with Worcester friends and a free chocolate muffin - winner.

Then onto Pastorate FUN-day. This could be a whole post in itself.

From our walk to Port Meadow, drinks at the Perch, girls shopping in town,ghosting, pizza in the evening, articulate, and general banter, I don't think I have laughed so much. It was a day filled with JOY. (Note to anyone wanting to take up 'ghosting,'  don't do it to much older people, it takes things a bit too far.)

I know I've blogged about pastorate before, but I have got a lot of love for it. Meeting people who make you laugh for almost a whole day, encourage you, have the same taste in music as you, can be silly and can be serious with you, is a rare and wonderful thing.

How great it is not be judged (well maybe only a little bit, sorry Kellie), but laugh hysterically when you realise William Hague wasn't actually at the Battle of Hastings or trying to describe a tennis racket starting with 'bigger yellow balls....'                                                                                           -[articulate]

Sunday we had more pastorate lovin. A phenomenal lunch together and then a great church service.

So what did I realise after this brilliant weekend? 

I am content. 

Don't get me wrong, there are still desires on my heart which I continue to hold hope for. Life would be easier with perfect vision, shorter reading lists, if you knew the person you fancied, fancied you straight back or there was fat-free chocolate. BUT for now, I am thankful for the joy that I have. 

I may not be perfect by a long shot, but, as Mark Darcy so wonderfully said to Bridget Jones, 'I like you, very much. Just as you are.'(You go Mark Darcy.) I am finding myself content in being just the way I am. I am so grateful that my friends and family seem to think the same.

In another world I may have been cooler, prettier and let's face it, probably taller. But Life is good. 

Let's enjoy the rest of the party.

Running update

• Zara and I ran 10 miles last week in 1 hour 44 mins! We had the most horrific time at the beginning traipsing through mud, dealing with pins and needles and jelly legs, but managed to push on through and end with a sprint around Worcester lake! Go team! 
• Gym on friday where it was so hot one of the guys almost took his top off, half the girls swooned and I decided to follow suit and just 'cross train' in my sports bra (only joking ma).
• Next week 11 miles and blogilates.com with Cassie the uber fit, love-her-but-hate-her instructor. My hips were all over the place this week and need more core stability- woo.

P.s.  In response to the messages/texts etc that last week's post received, I was tempted to go all out on more dating/boys/relationship related stuff, but don't want to over do it. Let's see what next week brings...

For now, all you single ladies out there, one word of advice. DON'T sing this to a man. In any context. Ever. Unless it's Ryan Gosling, then what have you got to lose?

[Although, do listen to White Horses, Unwritten or These Words. They are good.]

As always, thank you for any donations: my justgiving page